PERSONAL AND PROFESSIONAL LIFESTYLE ADVICE COLUMN
 

ValYOU Vantage -The Empowerment Edge

Brenda Wehrman, Ph.D.

"THE GENEALOGIST"

Dear Dr. Brenda,  I’d really like to make a career move into a communication-related field but don’t know if I can make the change successfully. Every time I have been asked to make a speech in the past, I end up getting tongue tied and jumble my words. Do think I would be better off walking away from my dream? - Tongue Tied

Tongue Tied, Apparently, we word-jumblers are in good company. In the 1800’s an Anglican minister, Reverend William Spooner, became reputed for his uncanny—and unintentional vocabulary botch-ups. In honor of this great forerunner of sentence-scramblers, we have invented a word for mixed-metaphors: “spoonerisms.”

For years, my family has suggested I might be a direct descendant of this man. There's a good chance my dyslexia should also be factored. Once I meant to ask my computer-whiz son to hook the printer up. Instead I asked him to “print the hooker up.”  A teenager just doesn’t need that kind of encouragement.

I sometimes wish I had the penchant to sugarcoat my words like the following literary genius who was hired by a certain Mrs. Newlyrich to work up an impressive family tree for her. When the genealogist's research revealed that one ancestor had been electrocuted for murder, he creatively wrote of that person: "Occupied the Chair of Applied Electricity at one of our better known public institutions. His death came as quite a shock."

Not all of us have the silver-tongue of Mrs. Newlyrich's genealogist. Many of us have areas of deficiency we must work hard to overcome. However, history attests to the fact, that, with perseverance, people can overcome inherent difficulties. Did you know that Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine? His parents thought he might be retarded.

Judgmental souls say, "You made your bed – now you must lie in it." Instead, let’s remind each other, "Take up your bed and walk." With that kind of support, our limitations can become our launching pads!

You may reprint this and any other articles on this page for your online or print publication after permission has been granted and so long as you include each complete article and the signature:

Empowerment Strategist Brenda Wehrman, Ph.D. is the author of numerous books and the founder of ValYOU, a multi-media networking organization facilitating personal freedom and professional fulfillment. www.ValYOU.org © 2009 Brenda Wehrman. All Rights Reserved. 

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ValYOU Vantage -The Empowerment Edge

Brenda Wehrman, Ph.D.

“THE LIGHT BULB”

Dear Dr. Brenda: I know that I need to make some major changes in my life – both personally and professionally. I fear the ramifications. How can I gain the courage to move in the desired direction, regardless of the cost involved? - Fearful

Fearful, When electricity was first being introduced to a small Scottish village, most everyone switched from propane lanterns to electricity just as soon as it became available. One elderly couple invited their friends for the festive event of their hook-up. The old man waited for it to get dark, then told his wife to go turn on the switch. When she did, the light filled the room and everyone cheered. The husband grinned from ear to ear, picked up a propane lamp and said, "It sure makes lighting my lamps easier." And with that, he lit a lamp and his wife turned off the electricity.

Sometimes we're like that. We can't see the light for need to hang on to the darkness of our past. We hear a lot about turning our "lemon into lemonade," but the real reason many people still have a hard time transforming their life into the one they really desire, is because they don't see themselves as worthy of such merit. This leads to self-sabotaging tendencies and mind-sets that hold them captive. Liberty can only be experienced when we break free of destructive and hurtful cycles. Freedom is found first internally - and then externally.

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ValYOU Vantage -The Empowerment Edge

Brenda Wehrman, Ph.D.

"THE MASK"

Dear Dr. Brenda, I’ve always admired those who can truly be themselves. Yet I find myself being consumed by what other people think about me . How can I relax and embrace who I am, without bowing to pressure? - Concerned

Concerned,  A young girl watched as her grandmother spread on a clay mask. “What are you doing?” she inquired.

 “Oh, trying to look beautiful,” came the reply.

A few minutes later, the elderly woman took a cloth and began to wash off the mask. Just then her granddaughter in the room and asked, “So, are you giving up?”

Many of us are allowing that little voice inside us to tell us we’re more attractive to the world if we keep on a mask. We’re afraid to be seen for who we really are; transparency seems too risky. But, don't give in to fear and self-abasement. Take the “washcloth” of courage.

Dare to be true to yourself. Cleanse yourself of masks.  Let the glory of your genuine self shine through. No matter what anybody tells you, the real beauty of your soul lies beneath the superficiality of showmanship and the shadows of self consciousness. The radiant glow of a translucent personality will bring forth something immensely resplendent: the uniqueness of YOU. Empowerment is a attitude of the mind; for it is from this vantage point of decision that we launch our destinies.

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ValYOU Vantage -The Empowerment Edge

Brenda Wehrman, Ph.D.

“THE RAINCOAT”

Dear Dr. Brenda,  My husband is constantly making derogatory digs about me – often accompanied by a joke. It’s most humiliating when he does this around our friends. One guy in particular has begun participating in the banter. How do I stop this from affected my self-esteem? - Banter Fodder

Banter Fodder, Perhaps you’ve heard the joke, “Your momma’s so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people yell, 'Taxi!'”

Some of us could benefit from an internal raincoat as huge as the one “momma” wears. Figuratively, the raincoat is like a mental protective barrier we need to wear to keep negative criticism from drenching our souls with discouragement. 

A balanced person knows that a little rain in our lives helps us grow, but nevertheless, we still need to take measures to protect the core of our being against an onslaught of demeaning words. Secure individuals benefit most from criticism because they can edit the hurtful and retain the helpful.

When we ValYOU ourselves we are not as threatened by the "rain," because we know we love ourselves enough to keep the core of our being tucked up in a huge “raincoat” of love. We can also see the funny side of a confrontation. A secure person can deflect negativity by incorporating a little modest self-abasement. Making jokes about yourself strips your adversary of their power to intimidate you.

When a political opponent accused Abraham Lincoln of being “two-faced,” the less-than-handsome lawyer from Illinois replied, “I leave it to my audience to decide — if I had two faces, would I be wearing this one?”

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ValYOU Vantage -The Empowerment Edge

Brenda Wehrman, Ph.D.

"THE ROAD RULES"

Dear Dr. Brenda,  Despite attempting to set some ground rules for our home, it’s as though my teenager and I speak different languages. What can I do to ease the constant tension between us? - James

James,  Road rules in Tokyo have come a long way towards simplifying what you can and cannot do with your car. A few clear-cut rules seem to sum up the essentials of traffic laws very compactly.  If you think they still need some improvement – you should have read them before!

* At the rise of the hand policeman, stop rapidly.

* Do not pass him by or otherwise disrespect him. 

* Give big space to the festive dog that shall sport in the roadway.

* Avoid entanglement of dog with your wheel spokes.

* Beware the wandering horse that he shall not take fright as you pass him by.  Do not explode exhaust box at him.

* Press the braking of your foot as you roll round the corner to save collapses and tie up.

A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner reads: “Cools and heats — if you want to adjust condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.”

A sign over a shop owned by a little too-confident Mexican, reads, "English well talking." Backing up the bold declaration is another clincher, "Here speeching American!"

To some extent, we all speak different “languages.” At the very least, we make deductions and interpretations that may differ from a speaker’s original intent. When a lack of clarity or misunderstanding becomes apparent, a dose of humor goes a long way towards easing the tension.

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ValYOU Vantage -The Empowerment Edge

Brenda Wehrman, Ph.D.

"THE LETTER"

Dear Dr. Brenda,  There’s a girl at work I’ve wanted to ask out for a long time. We’ve been buddies for over a year and I have a feeling she feels like I do, but I don’t want to rush into something prematurely or create an awkward relationship. How should I initiate things? - Scared

Scared, A work environment merits cautious romantic commencement. Determine to keep the personal and professional separate. Having said this, consider inviting your love interest to something non-threatening like a movie and while there, casually ask if she would mind if you hold her hand. The direct approach is needful when you want to convey your affection for those whom you love – regardless of where you met them.

The story is told of a young couple who lived in the 18^th century and began seeing a lot of each other. Sadly, one day he moved to another city where finally he got up enough courage to propose to the girl in writing. He worded the letter carefully, telling her of his deep love for her, and asking for her hand in marriage. He gave the letter to his brother to mail, then waited anxiously for her answer. 

A week went by and no reply.  Then two weeks.  His heart sank.  When a month, then three months passed, he gave up in utter hopelessness.  A year went by. Thirty years passed by.

Eventually his brother died. Going through his brother's discarded clothes, he came across the pocket of an old overcoat in which something seemed to be lodged.  Closer examination revealed the letter of proposal he had written thirty years before.  It had never been mailed.  His brother had forgotten it and it had fallen into the lining, gone unnoticed.

If you love someone – whether it be lover, family or friends, tell them today. Don't wait until it's too late.

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ValYOU Vantage -The Empowerment Edge

Brenda Wehrman, Ph.D.

"THE P’S AND Q’S" 

Dear Dr. Brenda,  I’ve recently started attending Alcoholics Anonymous. The worst part about my road to recovery is facing my guilt. Until now, I’ve been blind to so many hurtful actions.  In finally looking squarely at what I’ve done to my family, I feel ugly inside. Will my self-esteem every recover? - Post-Wino Will

Post-Wino Will:  Alcoholism, like many other addictions, causes blind spots. A man who had quite a lot to drink, phoned to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen my dashboard, my steering wheel, my brake pedal, even my gas pedal!" the man cried into his beer. However, before the police investigation could start, the man called back and said, "Never mind. I got into the back seat by mistake."

Incidentally, did you know that in English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. In old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down — hence the phrase, "Mind your P's and Q's." It's harder to mind our P's and Q's than we'd like to admit at times. All of us have various battles we are trying to conquer. This fact should help us keep our self-esteem in tact when it is likely to be at its lowest. Be kind to your soul. ValYOU.

Addiction takes many forms. For some it's the more obvious: drinking, drugs or smoking. For others it is television, shopping, work, sports or even talking. With mouths made for Triple Decker sandwiches, these talkaholics find solace in speaking on and on and on... Perhaps these addicts like many others, are attempting to fill up a deep internal void.

Admitting there is a problem is half the battle. We can only be strong when we recognize our weaknesses. Your self-esteem depends first on inner honesty. Good for you for taking that first step. It's truth that sets us free. 

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ValYOU Vantage -The Empowerment Edge

Brenda Wehrman, Ph.D.

"THE GENIE"

Dear Dr. Brenda,  With an unexpected new baby and all the changes this has brought to me as a single mom (who already has one kid), I get frustrated watching former classmates passing me up on the road of life. How can I truly accept where I’m at right now? It’s all too easy to beat myself for the foolish mistakes I’ve made. I wish I’d chosen something else. - Jenny

Jenny,  A genie magically appeared at a faculty meeting and told the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he would reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selected infinite wisdom.

"Done!" said the genie who disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Now, all heads turned toward the dean, who sat surrounded by a bright aura. A long silence was finally broken when one of his colleagues whispered, "Say something. What do you know now that you did not know before?"

The dean sighed and said, "I should have taken the money."

If you’re tempted to wish you could have “taken the money” – rather than the kids, the days spent slaving over a charitable project, the afternoons seemingly wasted in casual summer conversation, the hours spent staring into a starlit sky, don’t fret. Your life is richer for having tasted the resplendent radiance of such pleasantries. You enjoyed creation. In doing so you created joy.

Forgive blunders and forge forward. Love you and your world with your whole heart. Open your arms to ardor. Believe in the benevolence and beauty of others. Celebrate your own — ValYOU.

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ValYOU Vantage -The Empowerment Edge

Brenda Wehrman, Ph.D.

"THE PUNCHLINE"

Dear Dr. Brenda, My marriage is marred by some early mistakes. Ignoring my wife’s advice, I hired a sexy secretary who later tried to blackmail me into giving her money by threatening to tell my wife we were having an affair. Now knowing the truth, my wife has long forgiven me, but I feel our marriage will never fully recover. Will we ever have the intimacy and trust we once enjoyed? - Blackmail Blues

Blackmail Blues:  In an an attempt to wake up his sleepy congregation, a young minister suddenly interrupted his sermon with the rather shocking  announcement, "I can remember when I was in the arms of another man's wife!"

The divulgence got the expected response. Everyone sat bolt upright in their pews. Not a single head continued to nod. With a purposeful pause, the minister continued. "My mother, the wife of my father, was holding me at the time," he added to the applause from the congregation.

The quick-wittedness of this young minister impressed a visiting Bishop. Determining to use the story in the future, the senior clergyman made a mental note to remember the especially poignant remark. The right moment to unveil the attention-getter came several weeks later. Before a vast congregation, the Lord Mayor, town councilors and civil dignitaries, the Bishop stood in the cathedral. Dressed in all his finery, looking every bit the dignified patriarch that he was, the Bishop began with great aplomb, "When I was in the arms of another man's wife..."

Then there was a long pause. Horrors! He had forgotten the punch line. Hoping to get a few seconds reprieve, he hurried on. "Just for the moment, I can't remember whose wife she was!"

As much as we would hate it to come at a time like this, we all need a good case of selective forgetfulness. Love does not hold another to ransom. That kind of forbearing grace extends far beyond the borders of our relationships with other people – it also includes the way we love ourselves.

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ValYOU Vantage -The Empowerment Edge

Brenda Wehrman, Ph.D.

"THE INK"

Dear Dr. Brenda,  If I could redo my past, I would want a second attempt at being a better parent. If only I hadn’t been so rigid when they were little. My high expectations are still driving them away today. How am I going to move beyond  my inflexible tendencies? I know it’s hypocritical, because I’m far from perfect myself. - Rigid from Ohio

Rigid, It pays to not live one's life in too exacting a manner. I have seen even the most rigid legalist change previously touted rules to suit his or her whim at the time.

A Quaker heard a strange noise in the night and, waking, found a burglar ransacking his kitchen. He took his gun from beside his bed and aiming at the intruder, said: "Friend, I would do you no harm for this world and all that is in it, but you are standing where I am about to shoot."

We can give the most plausible answers when our conscience puts our actions on the stand of our hearts. A judge asked a man convicted of stealing, "Now tell me, why did you steal that purse?"

The thief self-righteously replied, "Your Honor, I was not feeling well, and I thought the change would do me good."

Others of us struggle more with condemnation than we do with our conscience. We have set up so many must-dos and have-tos that they become like a legal minefield we must stoically wade through in trepidation. This obstacle course saps us of emotional energy, causing us to lose our creativity and inner joy. Most of us worry about things in our lives which can not be altered.

A young boy brought home a report card that didn't meet his parents’ expectations. After dinner, the father sat his child on his knee and said, "Son, we're going to have to do something about these grades."

"We can't, Dad," the boy replied.  "They're in ink."

Lack of personal acceptance leaves us sweating over life's unchangeables. You can however, shape the future. Pick up the phone, call your kids. Be the parent to your children, be the lover to your wife you really want to be.

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ValYOU Vantage -The Empowerment Edge

Brenda Wehrman, Ph.D.

"THE GAFFE"

Dear Dr. Brenda,  I’m always getting myself into awkward and embarrassing situations around work because in my haste to explain things I make matters worse. How can I reinstate my once-unflawed reputation and regain my dignity? - Walking Catastrophe

Walking Catastrophe, The following woman can undoubtedly relate to you. She was snuggling down into a hot tub when she smelled a distinct aroma.  Remembering that one of her sons had left a cake baking in the oven before heading out for soccer practice, she begrudgingly emerged from her bath.

Clothed only in transparent bubbles, she hightailed it down to the kitchen. As she turned to head upstairs, the front door bell rang.  Ahh, the package I've been expecting is being delivered, she thought excitedly. 

Waiting just long enough for the mailman to drop the anticipated package by the door and get back in his van, she opened the door.  To her astonishment there stood the minister! And there she stood without even a tea towel to hide her fast-turning red flesh. By way of explanation the blundering woman offered, "Sorry, I thought you were the mailman!" Realizing she was making the situation worse, she thought she'd explain further by alluding to the package she was anticipating, "You see, I was really looking forward to the mailman's visit."

When in an awkward predicament, we sometimes get ourselves into even worse ones. “The game of life is not so much in holding a good hand as playing a poor hand well.” – H. T. Leslie.

Regaining one’s dignity and reputation involves taking the time to communicate clarity. In their moment of embarrassment, some people forget to add an explanation that would bring much needed perspective. When appropriate, bring your own laughter into the tense mix and others will similarly see the humor too.  They will ultimately admire your ability to swiftly defuse difficult situations.

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ValYOU Vantage -The Empowerment Edge

Brenda Wehrman, Ph.D.

"THE OUTHOUSE"

Dear Dr. Brenda,  I fear I’ve permanently ruined my reputation at work with a stupid oversight. I think my inattention to detail has likely cost me an upcoming promotion. I know it was a genuine mistake but… Any ideas as to how to overcome the humiliation I feel? - Likely Ruined for Life

Likely Ruined, Desperate to experiment with what was then a new release on the market, some playmates of an acquaintance thought they would explore the walkie-talkie's possibilities for creating some fun.

In a burst of creativity, one boy came up with the bright idea to wire a walkie-talkie under the toilet seat of one of the old long-drop outhouses that were situated side-by-side to handle a large camp in progress. With the heavy traffic to and fro, they knew it wouldn't be long before they had their victim in sight. Sure enough, along came a rather large woman scurrying down the pathway (obviously in a desperate hurry to avail herself of the less-than-glamorous bathroom facilities.)

Giving her just enough time to position herself, the prankster dropped his voice a few decibels and put on the most grown-up voice he could muster: "Madam, I'm not quite done painting down here. Do you mind moving along to the next hole?"

The outhouse door flew open with a bang! A frightful sight emerged. With her underwear around her ankles, the woman scurried away as fast as the restriction would allow. Shuffling along, she could be heard repetitively muttering to herself in shock, "He didn't see my face. He didn't see my face."

So often, many of us jump to conclusions. You sound overly concerned about the consequences of your oversight. The moral of this ValYOU Vantage is: don't automatically assume the worst.

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ValYOU Vantage -The Empowerment Edge

Brenda Wehrman, Ph.D.

"THE OFFENCE FENCE"

Dear Dr. Brenda,  I’m sick and tired of my mother-in-law telling me how she ran her home when her family was young. I wish she’d let me do thing my way without interference. Any suggestions? - Hands-Over-Ears

Hands-Over-Ears, My grandfather was the first white man to enter cannibal territory deep in the jungles of Papua New Guinea's Western Province — and come out alive! He later wrote of his sometimes amusing attempts to explain foreign English terminologies to the natives of Papua New Guinea.

I'm sure my granddad could have identified fully with the British lecturer who tried to explain to a Papua New Guinean crowd that a tax official had taken offense at being treated poorly. Unfortunately, the complexity of the English language created some problems for the national interpreter. The ambiguous words, "took offense" were taken as literally as they sounded. Turning to the audience, the Papuan interpreter erroneously informed the congregation, "So, running for his life, the official grabbed the fence and took off with it!"

It's amazing what we can miss out on if we don't understand what another is trying to say. Sometimes people are not actually telling us how we should live our lives, but fondly reminiscing about how they lived theirs. Allow them the luxury. Maybe right now, they obviously desperately need the self-esteem boost. Offenses come about as a result of people building unnecessary fences.

It is however, important to assess whether a person is genuinely mean spirited or merely trying to help. Most of us will tolerate badly chosen words if they are communicated from a heart of love. But, we are not required to consistently spend hours with anyone who is intent on harm. Reduce time spent with such people.

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ValYOU Vantage -The Empowerment Edge

Brenda Wehrman, Ph.D.

"THE WILLING BLONDES"

Dear Dr. Brenda,  I’ve just joined a team of colleagues to work on a new marketing project. Most of them have advanced degrees and I feel intimidated. What am I going to be able to contribute that the others can’t? - Uneducated by Comparison

Uneducated by Comparison, Percy Spencer, one of the greatest inventors, had just a third-grade education. He invented the microwave oven. On the other hand, Albert Einstein's 1926 design for a refrigerator was never manufactured.

If we adopt the philosophy that everyone is ignorant — only on different subjects, we will be less threatened by the facts and figures another knows. In my book, The Prisoner Potentate, I explain that, “Knowledge is a facilitator towards success – It does not constitute success.”

Many of your wealthiest entrepreneurs had little formal education. This is not to negate the value of education. In fact, the truly successful person never stops learning. However, the lack of academic credentials must never limit you. Neither should the acquisition of academic credentials form the bases of your self-confidence.  Mark Twain, a brilliant author who advocated learning, also asserted, "I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."

When contributing to the world around us, we each bring the valuable discoveries, observations and perspectives from our unique past. This awareness should make us all both bolder and humbler.

Even the most pious and educated amongst us have been known to make rather large foot-in-mouth blunders. I wouldn’t be intimidated by these impressive looking and sounding individuals. Why put anyone on a pedestal when he or she is capable of committing the most atrocious slip-ups – as was the following Methodist minister from Pennsylvania. He intended to use John Wesley's Covenant Service on new Year's Eve;  one line of which goes:  "Let us bind ourselves with willing bonds to our covenant God."  Instead, he began with great aplomb, "Let us bind ourselves with willing blondes."

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ValYOU Vantage -The Empowerment Edge

Brenda Wehrman, Ph.D.

"THE BIRTHING LIGHT"

Dear Dr. Brenda,  For years, I’ve focused on caring for my sick husband. He recently passed away and while I desperately want to start a new chapter of my life, I am afraid to trust myself with such life-altering decisions. How do I gain the courage to stop hesitating and start birthing my dreams? - Distrusting

Distrusting:  A young couple was about to have their first child. They called for the doctor and he arrived on the scene late at night, just in time. It was before the days of electricity so the doctor instructed the rather naive father to hold the lamp up so he could see.

A few minutes went by and a lovely baby son appeared in the doctor’s hands. "Now hold that lamp over here closer. I think there may be more," requested the doctor.

A few more minutes passed by and the baby boy was joined by his twin sister! "Keep holding that lamp, Son," the doctor requested once more. Again, another bouncing baby girl was born to the couple.

"Wow!" exclaimed the taken aback young man, "Do you think the light is attracting them?"

When the light of truth is held up in our hearts, we start birthing all kinds of wonderful additions into our lives. Dare to be true to yourself. Give that insistent inner intuition a voice. All too often, we stifle what we know to be an exciting new step because we recognize it will alter our lives significantly. Like many new parents, the father in this story was overwhelmed by the reality of having not one – but three babies to feed and clothe.  Undoubtedly, twenty years later, he would be grateful for the changes, challenges and joy brought by those precious children.

What additions to your life are you holding at bay for fear of the commitment involved? Are you thinking about starting a new career? Would you like a little more education? Do you dream of writing a book? Allow yourself the time to contemplate what you really want. Then, once you have clarity, let the light of bold declarative statements and meditative focus attract them into your life.